Harry Potter and the Monty Python
by Ace Trax
Summary: Snape’s Sex Ed Class and other sketches.


_Author's Note:_  
_As an eagerly lazy fan fiction writer, I simply put the Harry Potter cast in some Monty Python sketches._  
_Now is it Harry Potter pythonized, or Monty Python potterized?_  
_Anyway let's have some Snape's Sex Ed Class and other sketches._

_Legal Stuff:_  
_Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling._  
_Monty Python belongs to Spiny Norman._

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**Harry Potter and the Monty Python**

* * *

Severus Snape's Sex Ed Class

Hogwarts is famous for giving their students a full education in all fields of life, magic and even sex.

It was a dim day at Hogwarts and especially dim since Professor Snape was just starting Harry's sex ed class. He was filling out for the regular sex ed professor Randy Lovegood (an uncle of Luna Lovegood.)

Snape look down at the class: Gryffindor and Slytherin.

"And now, sex."  
He sniffed.

"Sex, sex, sex."  
He look down at his learning plan.

"Where were we?"  
He looked up, the class was staring holes in the walls. He asked:  
"Well, had you got as far as the penis entering the vagina?"

There was no responds from the students.

"Well, had you done foreplay?"  
He suggested and some students node.

"Ah well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is... Longbottom."  
Neville turned red and stared down at once, while some of the Slyderins snickered as he muttered:  
"Uhm…Don't know. Sorry, sir."

"One point off Gryffendor."  
Sneered Snape down at Neville and then he continued in his best academically manner:

"The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, so that the penis can penetrate more easily."

Theodore Nott held up his hand and asked:  
"Could we have a window open, please, sir?"

"Yes. Mr. Nott, will you?"  
Replied Snape and continued, while Theodore used his wand to open some windows.

"And of course, to cause the man's penis to erect… and harden! Now, did you do vaginal juices last week?" He spoke and without warning he threw a piece of chalk towards Ron.

"Oh, do pay attention, Weasley!"  
He hissed at Ron, who responded by looking up in terror.

I know it's Friday aftern… Oh, watching over at the Quidditch field, are you boy? I'm warning you! I may decide to set an exam this term."

There was a rare harmony between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins, when the entire class started to groan: "Oh, sir."

They were calmed down by Snape:  
"So, just listen. Now, did you or did you not do vaginal juices?"

"Mmm, yes, sir. Yes, sir."  
Responded the class.

Snape gazed down on Harry.  
"Name a way of getting them flowing, Potter."

"Rubbing the clitoris, professor?"  
Said Harry with all innocence in the world.

Snape stared at him with narrow dark eyes, and after a pause. He broke out in a rant:  
"What's wrong with a kiss? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a cave troll. Give her a kiss, boy."

While Harry sat there like a cave troll, Goyle instinct told him to show some rare brilliance, so he lifted his hand and said:  
"Suck the nipple, sir?"

"Good! Good. Well done, Goyle." Rewarded him Snape.

Suddenly Crabbe was infected with brilliance too.  
"Stroking the thighs, sir."

"Yes. Yes, I suppose so, Crabbe. Hmm?"  
Expecting a word from his class favourite. He made eye contact with Draco Malfoy.

Draco wasn't disappointing him:  
"Biting the neck, nibbling the earlobe or kneading the buttocks."

"Yes. V-E-R-Y good."  
He smirked towards his favourites.  
"12 points to Slytherin."

The Gryffindors hissed while Draco smiled arrogant.

Then he gave Hermione an 'I-am-better-that-you' look.

She, however easily misunderstood his facial expression as an:  
'I-can-teach-you-a-thing-or-two-behind-the-broomstick-shed' look.

Which then she decided to answer him with a very hostile:  
'I-rather-get-intimate-with-a-splintery pole' look.

Meanwhile Snape was berating down at Harry:  
"I hope you have paid attention Mr. Potter. We have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."  
Croaked Harry, while he made a note in his mind that in future he shouldn't rely so much on Dudley's secret stash of magazines.

* * *

The rest of the sketch was omitted, because this fiction is rated, T.

However you can find a picture of that action under:

www. / acetrax / HarryPotterXMontyPython .html


End file.
